Fit For Nothing
A Touch of Nokoko by Kofi Akumanyi
They will also tell you that it costs you practically nothing to participate in these exercises and that if you really worry about your weight, you need only the will power and determination to beat the flab - the money-spinning books, videos, records, aerobics literature and other body-building and weight reduction foods and equipment do not mean a thing. All one needs is a realistic approach to the whole programme of fitness based on a personal plan.
But thanks to the media blitz on the fitness cult, millions of otherwise nice people have gone completely bonkers over the size of their feet, stomachs and other unmentionable anatomical features and are spending millions of pounds annually on products supposed to help them shed some fat from undesirable places.
Sometimes I can't help asking myself if any business tycoon in Africa can make a successful business selling such products. The archetypal African beauty does not frown on suppleness of flesh; being a little overweight is therefore no problem at all.
Mr friend Eddie has always held the firm opinion that the size of a man's stomach for instance is his personal problem and nobody has the right to criticise or comment in any way whatsoever unless he is invited to do so. That is why Eddie did not take kindly to a present we, his friends gave him on his last birthday - an exercise bike with a note 'An exercise a day, keeps the flab away'. His wife was an active collaborator on this scheme.
"What's the grand idea?" he asked, looking at our faces. His wife smiled at us with a conspiratorial wink.
"It's obvious, isn't it? we have decided jointly and severally to help you reduce weight," I said.
"Who said I'm overweight?" he asked, clearly annoyed at the very idea being suggested.
"A committee of three comprising, your wife, Tommy and I has come to the unmistakeable conclusion that you have to be saved from an inevitable self-destruction," I volunteered an answer.
"You people must obviously be joking,' he burst out laughing raucously, the fat on his midriff shaking in tune catching what he thought was a big joke. "You think I'm fat? Have you looked at yourselves in the mirror lately?"
"This isn't funny, Eddie. We want you to shed some weight without tears; we've worked out the whole plan for you so that it doesn't become a tedium. Before you realise it, you will be several pounds lighter and happier."
"You have done that, haven't you? Well, I can tell you right now where to stick that beautiful plan of yours."
"You see, if you take your age and height into consideration you'll realise that you need to shed about three stones from your present weight in order to ease the strain on your poor heart," I said ignoring him. We were not prepared to take no for an answer.
"Who said that"?
"Dr Neoplan, in his book 'The Secret of Longevity.'"
"And what does he recommend I do to live to a ripe old age?" he asked with a sneer.
"First, you get yourself a jogging suit. You have the option of shedding weight just by jogging about five miles everyday."
"Five miles?"
"Right or use the dieting plan"
"Starve myself to death, you mean?"
"Not exactly; death will come when it will come. With this program me you avoid fattening foods like cakes, chocolates, sweets, potatoes and the like and eat only once a day";
"What makes you people think I'll go along with this... this...senseless plan which, from where I stand, is only aimed to kill me?"
"Who's trying to kill you? This is a sure plan for survival. Your heart will give way one of these days if you don't fall in line."
"And where does the exercise bike fit into this grand plan of yours?" he said pointing to the bike.
"Oh, that was part of the contingency plan - when the weather is foul you may have to skip jogging to do your work-out in-doors. We've thought about everything. The whole programme is guaranteed not to fail," I said.
"I'm happy to know that you all here assembled have thought about my health and done this for me. I don't know how to thank you enough for this gesture. But tell me," he said turning to his wife, "are you also planning to jog and go on the diet plan with me?"
"Not on your life," she said, "I don't need to lose weight. You know in my family everybody is a bit on the obese side and that doesn't raise any eyebrows at all. Besides, people say my weight suits me fine!" she said.
"Oh, they do, don't they? Well, I have always preferred slim women to fat ones. So get on your bike, fatty!"
