If Britain were an African country
By Elizabeth Ohene
"Of course, this is all impossible, nobody stages coups in Britain. But supposing Britain were an African country, the scenario about to be painted below would not be improbable at all. The military would have felt that the public was yelling for them to intervene."
"There has been a miners' strike on now for over 24 weeks in which billions of pounds have been lost to the country and unprecedented violence has been witnessed by us all on our television sets every night. Miner has fought miner and our police have been sucked into a dispute that has got nothing to do with them and have been forced to expend their energies on industrial disputes while our streets have been taken over by thugs, and old ladies can no longer venture outside their homes without being mugged. We of the Armed Forces intend to make our streets safe again for all law abiding citizens and to revert our police forces into the once famous friendly British Bobby.
"When Margaret Thatcher assumed power in 1979, there were over one million people unemployed and the country voted for her because she said she would treat unemployment as her priority problem. What have we seen after more than five years -- more than three million unemployed and the figure is rising and it is now obvious that she CANNOT or WILL NOT do anything about it. We of the Armed Forces have a duty to our country to step in and stop the rot, we cannot sit by and watch one entire generation of young Britons callously consigned to a life of hopelessness.
"This country of ours is rich. Margaret Thatcher has been telling the country that the oil glut is the cause of our problems. While Arab Sheiks buy up the whole of Belgravia and Regent's Park, the earnings from North Sea oil are used to pay dole money. What has happened to British ingenuity? Did we not build an Empire the envy of the whole world? We shall put our country back to work. We shall give dignity back to our young people and give them a purpose in life. Two years ago, against the advice of her own top military people, Margaret Thatcher embarked on the Falklands war in which British lives were needlessly lost simply for the sake of bolstering the then sagging fortunes of herself, we, in due course intend to make public the full details of how Britain came to have fought such a war and we will show how the government misled the country and even Parliament about the real facts. We will also announce a decision about the future of the Falkland Islands in two weeks' time..
"Fellow countrymen, the most unforgivable sin perpetrated by the politicians against this country is what has come to be known as the Northern Ireland Problem. How many more people do the politicians want to be killed before they tackle the real issues and stop playing politics with the lives of our people? Countrymen, there is no Irish problem, I repeat NO IRISH PROBLEM - at least, none that a determined people cannot solve and we of the Armed Forces will treat Northern Ireland with the attention it deserves and within one month, the problem will be solved.
"Countrymen, normally in our country, when the government in power is proving inept and incapable of solving the nation's problems, we look towards the opposition to provide the alternative leadership, there are two reasons why we cannot do so now. First of all with the lopsided Conservative Party majority in the House, there will be no elections within the next four years and this country cannot wait that long for change. Secondly, from the current state of the Labour Party, it is obvious that even if there were elections next week, they cannot give the country the needed change or leadership, Neil Kinnock is so busy making videos with singers and comedians,he has no time to provide an alternative.
"Countrymen, we believe in democracy and hope to return the country to constitutional rule within the shortest possible time. In the meantime, Margaret Thatcher and her cabinet have been dismissed from office with immediate effect. All members of Parliament should report to the nearest police station or Army barracks. Parli-ament has been dissolved, all metropolitan and local councils have been dissolved and their members should report to the nearest police station. The Chief Justice should report to the Commanding Officer of the 10th Infantry Brigade at 9.00 hours tomorrow without fail.
"We appeal to all leaders of the National Union of Mineworkers to report at the 14th Infantry Brigade with immediate effect. We appeal for calm, and for all law abiding citizens to go about their duties peacefully. Anybody who has any arms or ammunition apart from members of the police and Armed Forces should hand over any such arms and ammunition to the nearest police station.
"How many people do the politicians want to be killed before they tackle the real issues and stop playing politics with the lives of our people? Countrymen, there is no Irish problem, I repeat NO IRISH PROBLEM - at least none that a determined people cannot solve and we of the Armed Forces will treat Northern Ireland with the attention it deserves…”
"A dawn to dusk curfew is being imposed with immediate effect until further notice, all borders have been closed and British Telecom has been asked to cut all communications with the outside world. Please stay by your radios for further announcements. All party chairmen and constituency secretaries should also report at the nearest police station with immediate effect.
"We shall put the 'Great' back into Britain with God's help and yours. The politicians who have betrayed the trust of the people will be punished accordingly and not one of them will escape the wrath of the people. God bless Great Britain and God bless you all."
The first with the news would of course be the BBC World Service, with a news flash: "A military coup has taken place in Great Britain led by Lt. Col. John Smith who made the announcement on the radio about an hour ago, the Colonel announced the dissolution of Parliament and asked all elected officials to report at the nearest police station.
The Colonel gave the grave economic situation of the country and the government's inept handling of it as the main reason for the coup. He accused Margaret Thatcher of hypocrisy, callousness and personal ambition. The Colonel also blamed the unwillingness or incapability of the politicians to solve the 25-week-old miners strike and the decades old Irish problem as the other major reasons for the coup. He promised probity in public life and a quick solution for the economy, the Northern Ireland problem and a resolution of the miners’ strike.
The whereabouts of Mrs Margaret Thatcher, the deposed Prime Minister were not immediately known but she and all other members of the Cabinet and parliament were ordered to be placed under arrest.'
Next on the line would be the experts who would be trooped out to explain why the coup took place. Not much is known of Lt-Col. Smith the emerging strong man of the regime but he is reported by friends to be an austere and hard working officer. A soldier's soldier, an officer and a gentleman in the true sense of the phrase, one old friend told this report- er. Col. Smith was trained at the prestigious Sandhurst officers training school and is remembered there especi- ally for his leadership qualities. "If there is one man who can lead Britain out of its current problems then it is young Lt-Col. Smith", one of his former instructors told this reporter.
The crippling miners' strike which has raged for 25 weeks is easily one of the worst industrial disputes to have hit Britain and the government's official 'hands-off' position has been criticised by both friends and critics alike. When Mrs Thatcher took off on a holiday to Switzerland in the middle of it all, she had obviously crossed the psychological 'never-never line' and thus brought the coup on her government. Critics had for some time been pointing out the increasing unpopularity of the Thatcher government and the increasing unemployment figures have on made it any easier and the writing on the wall has been clear for some time.
The recent disclosures about the Belgrano issue make it clear how the government had bypassed Parliament on occasions and virtually made nonsense of the constitution.
And then of course, the British experts on the prestigious Sunday newspapers will weigh in with back- ground material: Somebody will be produced to swear that Mrs Thatcher's clothes were designer-made and cost £2,500 each; somebody will testify to the worth of her diamonds and pearls and somebody will tell a shocked nation about the lavish parties that ministers' children had been hosting while miners' children starve. A columnist will tell in sanctimonious tones about the luxurious country homes of members of Parliament, switch on to the damp tenement flats that the country's four million unem- ployed have to endure.
The elections of June 1983? If anybody should bring that up, it can easily be seen as an attempt to divert issues, who does not know that Margaret Thatcher received less than half the votes and the majority of the people had rejected her at the polls and she had continued as Prime Minister with an increased majority in Parliament only because of an outdated system which everybody hopes will be changed before the soldiers return to the barracks. For the next three months the newspapers will be full of all the things that would otherwise have been cleared for disclosure only in 30 years time, what Micheal Foot gives his barber as tip will become front page news and the circus will play on and on.
Of course, this is all impossible, nobody stages coups in Britain. But supposing Britain WERE an African country, the scenario painted above would not be improbable at all. The military would have felt that the country was yelling for them to intervene.
Nigeria did not have half the problems that confront Mrs Thatcher today before Maj-Gen. Buhari was convinced that enough was enough, nor did Ghana before Flight-Lieutenant Rawlings felt he would be failing in his duty if he did not throw out the elected government.
And if the British press act according to their practised form of how coups in Africa are covered, the reaction would not be very different from what is painted in our scenario.
Perhaps if those in the outside world translated the words of Africa's military rulers into their own everyday experiences they might be better able to understand what many African countries go through.
It would be interesting to see how many of the 'experts' who extol the virtues of Buhari-style or Rawlings- style governments in place of 'corrupt politicians' will be able to endure one week of it in their own countries.
And yet the difference is really not much at all. It only needs to start when a Lance Corporal can order you out of your car at gunpoint and make you jump up and down holding your ears at Piccadilly Circus and a group of soldiers can march into Camden market and impose their own prices on all goods, it would be instructive to see true British grit.
